tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56065271211301260582024-02-08T07:47:58.085-08:00Biff's CornerMusings on hair-do's and don'ts, Screaming Yellow Zonkers and oh, so much more!BlueBoy-Uhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09714215828194147439noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5606527121130126058.post-82331952378458560192008-07-25T18:42:00.000-07:002008-07-25T19:10:49.322-07:00Firings: take heed and watch your back!<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><b> <o:p></o:p></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span></b><span style="font-weight:normal">Doing hair involves a good share of prostitution-ism: you have to service whoever happens into your chair be they smelly or delusional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Hopefully the Hairburner becomes successful enough to be able to choose who is paying their rent, yet we still must work on people you’d never talk to in real life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>While making a living washing and cutting people’s hair is actually a business, it includes physical and thus emotional contact. As Allen Edwards once pointed out at a hair seminar: “You may be the only person actually touching your client that day.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>People get attached to their stylists and while this is fun and rewarding, it can also turn south.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The first client I fired was in the Palisades on a rare Tuesday that Maurice was not working.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>That was when I grabbed the opportunity to cut off a John that gave me conniptions.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>His name really was John and he had much less than average looks: a long and bulbous nose and pea-sized brown eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I worked on him for three months before THE INCIDENT.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>His forgettable appearance and easy-going manner, combined with an accountant haircut, meant one more no-stress guy was added to my growing cache of clients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I loved the majority of men who I serviced in the Palisades.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Those khaki and polo shirt wearing dudes were a snap and paid well--John was one more paycheck-padding Daddy.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>When John got cut he was very happy to paw over issues of Cosmopolitan and Vogue, practically drooling over the underwear ads and growling low to himself like Billy Bob Thronton in Slingblade.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Mmmmm hmmm, wow, looksie here, yeah.” <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I pretended not to hear and while I was grossed out, still thought this was vanilla enough.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I didn’t care as long as I didn’t have to talk to the dork too much while he got little stiffies over Carol Alt.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The second time I cut his hair he returned from the changing room and asked me if his sideburns were even.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I checked and they were.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He then asked if there was maybe a little more hair over one ear than the other, this too I checked, found two hairs cresting his ear and snipped them off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He thanked me, paid and left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The next time John came in all went as before.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He drooled looking over the girl magazines, more small talk, asked about the sideburns and paid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He used the restroom before he left and on his way out asked me if I thought it might be a little too long on top.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“It could go a little shorter if you like, but I think it looks fine.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I said, meaning it.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“It’s your call Mike, just asking while I’m here really.”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He said, smiling buttermilk-colored teeth.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Sure, lets cut a little bit more, no worries.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I cut a snip off his milk-white dome and Mr. Pleated Dockers left.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The next time he came out of the bathroom and asked if it was his imagination or was it longer on one side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I told him to sit down and we’d have a good look at it.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Looking at him head on in the mirror I combed and combed and showed him that his stupid, insipid, lame-ass head was even on both sides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He laughed morning-breath at me and said how sorry he was:<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>“It must have been the mirror or the lighting in the bathroom.” <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I falsely laughed back at him, wishing he’d get creamed on the Pacific Coast Highway on his way to work.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“I guess I’m just neurotic, huh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He offered, those piggy little eyes of his glued to my face.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Not at all, you’re just detail oriented!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I said.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“I appreciate it, see you in three weeks.”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Terrific!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Twenty-one days till another round of chuckles.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>When he returned I was ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I had all the magazines with the skimpiest layouts on my station and I was revved up to give him the most even, consistent and technologically perfect haircut of his life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I cut each side with focus and matched each side repeatedly; the fuck-wad was not going to have anything to complain about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I spun him around like a Lazy Susan making sure that shit was on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>His elongated nostrils pulsated as I whirled him around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I smugly finished and he detached his moistened fingers from the magazine to survey his dorky image.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Hey Mike, looks really good, thanks man!”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Pleasure John, thank you.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“I’ll just make a pit stop and then get out of here.”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And off to the can he dashed.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I shook out the cape and cleaned up my station, knowing he would be pulling at his oily little nubs to find one long hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>While I knew he couldn’t, I braced for the worst.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He came out, smiled as he passed, paid, waved goodbye and was gone.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>My next client, a weekly blow dry arrived and was getting washed when John came back in, all smiles.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Oh hi Mike, I hope this isn’t a problem, but can you check my hair in the back, it feels long, here in the back.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Uh lets see, sit down.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I turned him around to look at the back of his hemorrhoid-like head in the mirror.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It was even.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>My lady was out of the shampoo chair and making her way to my station.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I shoved a mirror in his pedophile hand.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Here John, hold this and look, it’s even to my eye.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>He looked and looked and looked and pulled his hair with his other hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He pushed the hair up and over and yanked it down.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Huh, it doesn’t look long to you?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Not really, no.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“What about here?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He dug his finger into the middle of his neckline.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“No, looks good, really, looks perfect.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Okay if you’re sure.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Yeah, I’m sure.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Great, sorry I’m so picky.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Not at all, see you in three!”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>He left and I got busy on my blow dry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Five minutes later, he was standing next to me.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Hey, sorry, what about here?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He held a sprig of hair on his crown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I turned my drier off, excused myself from my client and walked John over to the reception area, feeling vaguely feverish.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Look, I appreciate your business and I think you’re a nice guy, but I obviously cannot make you happy and I have to suggest you find another stylist.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Oh no, it’s not that, it’s just this feels out of balance and I know it’ll take two seconds to fix it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He held onto the hairs so tight his fingers were white.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Your haircut is perfect. I’m sorry but you need to go, NOW, thanks again!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I ran back to my client and started back on he blow dry praying he’d leave and take his mental illness elsewhere.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“DON’T YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM ME!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Mild mannered beige-clad John barked and the whole salon, three other stylists and three clients, were now his audience.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Please don’t.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I pleaded.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“I WILL NOT BE DISMISSED!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>he growled still tightly holding the top of his head.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Jill the receptionist came out from behind the desk and tried to take charge.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“I’m sorry you’re not happy, but can we handle this in a civilized manner?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Yes, he can FIX MY HAIRCUT!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>he yelled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Now everyone was really getting a show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I thanked Christ that Maurice was in Laguna with her visiting sister.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Please leave, there’s no way I’m touching your hair ever again, just go!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I shrilled.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“THIS ISN’T OVER, I’M TELLING YOU IT’S NOT OVER!”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He pathetically ranted cinching up his pants giving himself a fine wedgie before storming out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>We all watched the door, waiting for the return of the beast but he had finally vanished. <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>My client Sybil, who had watched the exchange with wide-eyed amusement, picked up a magazine and sarcastically said:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>“Couldn’t you just have fixed the poor man’s hair, he seemed so reasonable”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I was quivering and mortified but got into styling her, one whacko down and more to come.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I loud-whispered over the blow-drier:<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“That was my first client firing, don’t make me do it again!”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"> <o:p></o:p></p> <span style="Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-USfont-family:";font-size:12.0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span></span><!--EndFragment-->BlueBoy-Uhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09714215828194147439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5606527121130126058.post-54666530698330548912008-03-06T19:37:00.000-08:002008-03-06T19:51:17.349-08:00And In Conclusion....<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I looked at our cluster of people Terri, a surfer-type guy and a very short round girl with her hair in pigtails.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The booming voices of the actors onscreen punched the room, causing my eardrums to literally quiver.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>A live man’s voice called for us to gather in front of the screen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> B</span>right lights beamed down and I couldn’t see the faces of the five men seated behind the electronic desk in front of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It felt like I was in a police lineup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> Then w</span>e got our motivation explained.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>“The scene is at an art-opening. Have a little conversation with someone and then move on to someone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Talk low to medium in tone and some laughing is okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Got it?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">The screen showed the party.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I found myself in a stoned zone of focus and delivery, calm and ready to perform with conviction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The scene began to roll and I turned to the guy next to me.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Great use of color don’t you think, not too obvious but really telling a story.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Um, yeah dude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s cool I guess, yeah.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Have you seen his work before?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“His work?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“CUT!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Excuse me, what’s your name with the blonde hair?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The director was referring to my scene-mate.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Ron.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Ron, you’re talking too loud, ok?”<br /><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Um, sorry man, ok.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">During the next take “Ron” snorted when he laughed and had to be sorted out again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The director called Terri over for a couple of minutes then she called a group meeting under searing lights in a tense whisper.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>“Listen, they think you guys are professional actors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>When I got the call to book this I told them you were all the real deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Please, please do your best. I know this is a lot to ask, but try.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The whole time she laid this out, her eyes darted from our faces to the row of staring, humorless men behind the electronic board.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She was freaking and I jumped in.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>“Don’t worry, we can do it right gang?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Just before the next take I whispered to Ron.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Just chill man, pretend you’re just hanging with pals, have fun.” <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>He did and it went fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>They taped a few more party takes then gave us a take ten-minute break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The director called Terri over again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> M</span>y band of non-actors moved toward the snack table.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I popped a Sprite and shoved half of a white-chocolate macadamia cookie in my mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">Ron crunched on a bag of chips and we quietly chuckled at how we were masquerading as actors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Ron turned out to be Terri’s Dad’s pool cleaner and the chubby girl was his little sister.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Terri appeared from the shadows looking pale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She spoke through clenched teeth.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Look, listen close.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>They want some <i>individual takes</i><span style="font-style:normal">.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>They’re worried that maybe you guys aren’t up for that, but I told them you can do it, please guys do your best and I swear I’ll make it up to you, can you just totally try please?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>We stared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Ron spoke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>“Individual takes?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Yeah, it’s easy, a voice on an answering machine.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>They want both of you guys to do it, to compare.” <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>My heart thumped with horror and excitement, like when I was an altar boy and Father Collins ambushed me in the rectory.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>He wrestled me to the ground and pinned me, only letting me up when I started to yell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The men re-assembled at the desk, the lights re-lit, it was Showtime.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Terri looked at me and whispered if I wanted to do it first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Yep I squeaked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Sure?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She hissed.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Yeah.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“You sure?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She repeated.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Yeah, yep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Mmm hmm...fun, right?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She leaned in.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Michael, you really really sure?” <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Uh, sure, yeah, why not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I can do it.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Someone said they were ready, NOW.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">Terri urgently said “Ok, but can you, you know, try to really sound professional?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Yeah, I’ll do my best.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“And can you, well…<i>try not to sound, <b>too gay</b></i><span style="font-weight:normal"><i>?”<o:p></o:p></i></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Huh?” <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She turned and I followed her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The enormous room swung out in all directions. I felt both clammy and hot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I was starving and bloated and fearful of anal leakage. I went up the platform with a microphone above it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>A guy handed me earphones and explained the scene.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“You’re really really pissed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>You’re leaving a message for this guy who had your place trashed and then sicked the police on you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Read the lines and we’ll have a run-through.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The whole world watched and waited as I looked at the three lines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Good Christ on a cross, how was I here, not home eating pretzels and peanut butter and sitting at my new desk?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The lights were so hot that I could smell the nylon-blend of my shirt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Ready?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Uh, Yeah.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Put on the headset and when you hear the third beep, start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Got it??"<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Yeah.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Somehow this was happening and I had to handle it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Beep…Beep…BEEP!! With a quivery breath I summoned as much John Wayne as I could.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Listen Rabonowitz you coc*sucker, you greasy bastard fuc#wad!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Putting the cops on my tail was really fu@kin’ smart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Now I’m gonna show you what bustin’ balls is all about.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Better watch your ass you dog-#unt eatin’ cheese-dong!”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The wall-sized speakers on the stage shatteringly echoed an irate Girl Scout screaming at her Barbies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Man’s voice: “Uh, ok, let’s go again but this time start out slower and when you get to the “bustin’ balls” part really pull it out and ride that out big.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I was moist in places I didn’t know had sweat glands.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>And not just damp, a rashy, itchy hot wetness, flu-like in intensity.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“C..Cool!”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Three beeps and hit it man.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>A sliver of light found Terri as she stood very far from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She chewed a nail and held the top of her head with her other hand, she was shitting herself too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Beep…Beep…<b>BEEP</b><span style="font-weight:normal">!”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I started in a low growl, threatening as Alvin & The Chipmunks and did my gosh-darndest to sprout a pair of giant heavy testicles as I croaked toward “bustin’ balls”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I squealed so loud that by the end I thought I tasted blood.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Once more, this time pull it out all the way.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I wanted to wrestle the headphones off my head and run wailing to the green exit sign.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I needed a shower and eight jelly donuts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Three beeps later I was barking and chewing and slamming the words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>By “dong” a few tears mixed with the sweat dripping from my chin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>They decided to break after that take and they told Terri to have us sign our release forms and get our amateur asses the hell out of there.<o:p></o:p></p> <span style="font-size:12.0pt;font-family:"Times New Roman";mso-ansi-language:EN-US;mso-fareast-language:EN-US"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>An hour later my head lay on the new desk. I hugged it and drooled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Joni Mitchell played as I sprayed Pledge on the cheap wood surface.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I rubbed and swirled till the polish absorbed then applied another coat then another making circles long after the album ended.</span><!--EndFragment-->BlueBoy-Uhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09714215828194147439noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5606527121130126058.post-21215409409962006892008-02-27T18:22:00.000-08:002008-02-27T18:27:38.826-08:00Left turn--Shifting gears, here is another snippet from later in the book. I'll give you the rest of the story next week, anticipation, it's a killer<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><b><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Atmosphere<o:p></o:p></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><b> <o:p></o:p></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>On a Wednesday when I worked in Beverly Hills I had no clients and decided to hang out, smoke some weed and set into a little home project I had been putting off: a desk that needed assembly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The box had sat in our condo storage area for months and today was the day. The pot would make the bland experience interesting. <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">I ripped open the box in the bright sun-warmed section of the living room rug and placed the hunks of wood-like pieces in a circle, biggest to smallest.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Now it was time to get my groove going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">I stuck a fragrant bud in my green acrylic bong and, exhaling smoke, I picked up the instructions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The first instruction was to gently yet firmly attach four of the grooved wooden pegs into the pre-drilled holes on the sides of the eight or ten pieces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">The exact number of the pegs was included with no extras.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>This meant that if I broke one it could result in the entire desk being off kilter and then good luck trying to return it to the office supply store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I sat and watched myself lugging a riot of right angles into the store with dismissive Hispanic employees wordlessly daring me to ask for their assistance. <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">Mexican food, I hungered for heaps of saucy enchiladas and Chile rellenos. Piles of steaming salted hot tortilla chips leapt into bright-red salsa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">My stomach gurgled as I sat sprawled on the carpet with my brain flying, quite a productive twenty minutes so far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I crawled to the kitchen to chow down for the next five.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">While I devoured cashews, pickles and leftover pasta I tried to get excited about my furniture project: Once I get going with it this will be really fun, how great to lose myself in the process, I just had to get to that losing part. <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I shouted to no one, cashew particles flying out of my mouth. <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>“I can do this, and I can do it well!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">I shoved a final handful of food in and marched over to the CD player.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>This called for disco music, rife with high fructose energy and sexual innuendo. As the base beat thrummed I snatched the bag of grooved pegs and ripped them open. <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I stuck them in their destined slots to the beat of “Hotline.” (“Hotline hotline…calling on the hotline…for your love for your love” (clap clap).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Then I moved on to step two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>This involved hammering metal screws that would act as receptacle slots for the legs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I swung the legs around like a tube-topped dance partner and screwed them in with cruel force.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>My universe consisted solely of the next step on the instruction sheet, the pumping of the dance beat, checking my work and then off to the next step.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>An hour into it I could see the finish line- a few minor details and the desk would be done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I took a couple more puffs and began another round of munchies when the phone rang.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It could have been work calling to say someone made an appointment for today or it could be my Mother wanting to check in so I sat and screened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>My cousin Terri’s voice anxiously inquired if I were there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I pushed speakerphone.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Hey girl!”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Hey, so you are home!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I called your work and they said you didn’t come in, what are you up to?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Uh, finishing up a desk.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“A what?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“A desk. (Proudly) I put it together.”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Oh, I’m in a tight spot here and I’m not far from your house, are you available?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“For what?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">I braced myself for what might come next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I loved my cousin but the last time I heard that tone in her voice her she needed “background” for a cheesy vampire movie she was in charge of casting extras for, many of who did not turn up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The shoot was a party scene around a pool in casual clothes with forty other schmoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The no-budget production took nearly all night and the only food on hand was potato chips and a few warm orange sodas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I had dragged along my other half and a couple of our friends:<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Oh c’mon it’ll be fun!”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And I got verbally abused from all three of them for a year, but Terri was family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She continued her pitch.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“It’s nothing like “Bleed Brothers” trust me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I’m on a dubbing stage in Santa Monica.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I booked four atmosphere actors and one didn’t show up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>All you need to do is walk around and talk with the others for some scenes, ya know small talk stuff and they’ll insert it into the film.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s a legit movie and you’ll get paid, can you come…like, now?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">My stoned brain swirled: nearby & make a few bucks doing nothing.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%">“Address?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I blasted the disco CD in the car during the ten-minute drive and savored my day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I had almost finished creating a functional, even impressive. piece of furniture and I was to get paid for mulling about for a halfway decent Hollywood production.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Very high and happy I screamed along with The Village People’s “In the Navy” and turned it down when I pulled up to the guard at the gate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I forced myself to refrain from channeling Kate Hepburn kindly engaging one of the little people.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I parked the car and squirted my glazed eyes with Visine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Entering the reception area a tired looking security guard asked my name and had me sign in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I did so and tried not to breathe out too much ganja breath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He pointed to a door and said to go in quietly.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>It was a huge darkened room with five men hunched over a vast computer board covered with levers and switches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>In front of them a movie-theatre sized screen showed a scene of two men trying to break into an apartment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I waited till someone whispered<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Are you Michael?”<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>And was directed to cousin Terri located somewhere in the dark.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I unsteadily made my way dodging cables and table legs paranoid I’d trip and bring production to a halt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Finally I found Terri and her band of voice talent huddled like the Von Trapps hiding at the convent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She shushed me even before I said anything.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Quiet…touchy director on premises!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She whispered.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Is there any other kind?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I whispered back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment-->BlueBoy-Uhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09714215828194147439noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5606527121130126058.post-74942665923655250472008-01-24T14:08:00.000-08:002008-01-24T17:07:22.765-08:00Audition Blow-Out<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><a name="OLE_LINK9"></a><a name="OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>A muffled voice said to come in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Sitting behind the vast glass-topped desk was a very thin blonde woman with giant collagen lips.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She wore glasses and a headset and looked at papers in her hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></a></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“If it’s not there than where is it?” She said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">She looked closely at the sheet and after a beat looked up at me.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“ Oh Yes. Hey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Have a seat.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">A board that covered one wall listed upcoming projects: “Ambush Makeover March 11<sup>th</sup>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>“German Vogue April 2<sup>nd</sup>” “Mother/daughter” shoot date to be determined.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“One more minute...” Nicole said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">I wasn’t sure if that was directed to me, if she was on a call, or if the headset was a prop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The silence in the room was huge as I sat back on the clear-plastic chair.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Why did I have to be so late? I’m never late!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>If I was on time Paige would be here, nice, tattooed, funky Paige who had given me a firm and friendly handshake last week and told me not to be surprised to get a callback.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Nicole peered at me over her glasses.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“So, yes alright let’s get started, I’m Nicole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Michael right?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“Yes, Hi.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">She sighed and leaned back in her chair.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“Sorry, I have a deadline and am not getting too much help around here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>First things first.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>You’re aware that we have an affluent clientele here and we expect work of a certain standard.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“Yes, sure.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“As President of Myles.Studio I need to reiterate that fact to potential employees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Please go and style your model.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Myles will be out to check your work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Thank you.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She adjusted her glasses and turned away. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Thanks.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I said and got up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>She said nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Any hopes that the job was in the bag vaporized as I walked out to set up my gear.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Where was Myles anyway?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Was he hiding in the recesses of that office?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I passed down the hall that had framed articles about Myles.Studio-- doing makeovers on women in the Army, Myles talking about styling Roseanne’s hair, A mention of Myles.Studio “Disco Gel” in Cosmopolitan… would I be part of this gallery?<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>The music was low and my footsteps loud as I tried to just do my best and to think lightly of the moment, but my gurgling belly and failing antiperspirant said otherwise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>I quietly washed Sue’s hair and got right to styling her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>As I tried to focus, Nicole’s declaration of the “Studio standard” took over and Sue’s hair got bigger with each section till she looked ready for the Grand Ole Opry.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I tried to pat and flatten it, but it bounced back with untamable body perfect for a 70’s shampoo ad.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>While I sweated and fussed Myles came out wearing a skullcap and a tight t-shirt with the word: “Whiteboy” on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He looked at the Texas-do and said:<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“Um it’s a bit “done” for my taste.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Can you make it kinda more mohr-derhn?” <o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“Sure thing.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I said and got to pressing with my flat iron. I sizzled each section and pulled the hell out of her hair and she took it like a trooper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I downsized her to a current Loretta Lynn and decided to step away, sinking in the chair next to Sue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I felt like I was eight years old and sitting in the confessional before the priest slides open the partition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Myles popped out again and raked his hands through her hair with a brute force that made her whimper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He said:<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“Yeah-ar, that’s more how I like it.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He grasped Sue’s shoulders, thanked her for coming in, turned to me and said<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>“Come back to the office when you’re red-aye!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">And off he ran down the hall again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Sue sat holding her head while I packed up and readied to face whatever was waiting for me in the office.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“Geesh, that guy’s hands should be registered weapons.”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Sue said rubbing her crown.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“Sorry for your second manhandling session in a week, I’ll make it up to you!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent:.5in;line-height:200%"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9">“Just when the burn marks were healing from the other day.”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>She said, half-smiling as she left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I made my way down the Hall of Fame once again and spied an article featuring Nicole in a white suit lounging on a sun chair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The piece was a Q and A from “Boutique Business” magazine titled “President <i>and</i></span></span><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK10"><span style="mso-bookmark:OLE_LINK9"><span style="font-style:normal"> First Lady.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Nicole clearly had the dick here, was it going to swing in my direction? <o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->BlueBoy-Uhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09714215828194147439noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5606527121130126058.post-90930574698583707522008-01-16T19:01:00.001-08:002008-01-16T19:01:54.167-08:00Three's a charm....<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>I was almost a half-hour late when I dashed into the Studio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I didn’t have a cell phone yet so I couldn’t call to let them know I was on my way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>My hopes of becoming part of the magic dwindled with each traffic light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>When I finally arrived Addison, the-even-cuter-than-I remembered concierge, told me that Paige had left and I was to speak with “Nicole” (Mrs. Myles) before my try-out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>He showed me to the same blue chair and I sat and palpitated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Where the hell was my model Sue?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>If she didn’t show up I was double screwed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The only other people in the giant room were two female Asian stylists who fawned over a single client.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I flipped through a magazine and tried to cheerlead under my breath--“You’ve got the goods, this is no big deal, you can do it and do it well! Sue will show up at the perfect time and this is actually going to be lots of fun!”<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>These lies rolled by like movie credits and were as easily forgotten.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>The magazine on my lap was turned to an ad for the army.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>A group of khaki-wearing teens were rock-climbing and having a ball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The quote was “Making money for college was never so adventurous.” Was it too late to go to college? Or could you put the money in retirement if you wanted to?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Did they take forty-three year old hairdressers? Don’t ask don’t tell was still in effect right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And if it is, is that a good thing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>One of the Asian girls looked at me--did I just say “good thing” out loud?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I tried to turn the page but my moist fingertips were stuck to the ad. <span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>Addison’s angelic face peered out from a sheer curtain separating us and said that Nicole was ready to see me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Then Sue entered the Studio panting and I pointed at the seat I vacated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Addison walked me back to where I had talked with Myles the previous week and knocked on the door. <o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment-->BlueBoy-Uhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09714215828194147439noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5606527121130126058.post-28907060170725567422008-01-09T19:05:00.000-08:002008-01-09T19:08:17.733-08:00Hairburner take number 2<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes">Here, humble readers is tidbit #2, I'm new to this blogging thing and was unable to get back into the site of my first posting,,,,,god willing that will not be the case with this one. And without further delay I present mo':</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span> </span>A posting on Craigslist caught my eye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It was for a stylist interested in working in a hip and cutting edge “Studio”, a space that serviced clients and also hosted fashion shoots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I don’t consider myself particularly creative or trendy, just a good everyday burner with occasional incidences of flair.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>But after repeated readings of page eighty-four in “The Power of Now” and a good third of “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff” I faxed my resume.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I got a call the next day from Paige, the studio manager, who enthusiastically set up a time for me to come in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I knew this place was not for me, but I looked at it as good practice-interviewing.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height:200%"><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>When I walked into the huge modern loft I was blown away: skylights filtered the sun, real Warhol’s lined the walls and a handsome, blazer-clad concierge greeted and directed me to a sky-blue designer chair where I sat and found myself praying to work there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment-->BlueBoy-Uhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09714215828194147439noreply@blogger.com5